I’ve been thinking about life, more importantly, my life, and I’ve come to a conclusion-
“Help! Protect me from myself”
I know that may sound crazy to you, but, honestly, I really don’t care. I’ve grown and pursued much of my life through a very distorted lens. I grew up without my father being present, my mom and I had a tumultuous relationship for about 20 years, and I had my first child at 18 years 5 days old. These are just a few of the thoughts that were running through my head as I thought about my life. I’m just giving you an idea of my perspective.
Help! Protect Me From Myself!
For over 20 years I blamed my mom and dad for EVERYTHING that happened in my life, but mostly for what went wrong. I grew and started to commit myself to relationships that hurt more than helped, and I believed in many social norms, especially those debilitating to my spirit, my heart, and my body.
Relationships didn’t feel normal until they were dysfunctional. I became accustomed to a struggle in just about every area of my life… Hey, I told you, I needed someone to protect me from myself.
I was running from myself. I had compiled the information, that was my life, and came up with a great conclusion about why I wasn’t worthy of true joy, peace, and happiness. I told myself that if my dad really loved me he would’ve been there. As a result, I concluded in my 5-6 year old mind, that if my Dad didn’t love me, why would other men? Initially, I didn’t realize the direct correlation that my relationship with my dad would have in the relationship with me and other men who are, or have been in my life, especially my husband. My relationship with my mom furthered solidified my conclusion of unworthiness in regards to myself, and the rest was a downward spiral. I doubted my abilities as a wife, mother, and professional woman because I couldn’t even get along with my own mother.
Help! Protect Me from Myself!
I subtlety picked arguments with my husband and always had a critique to offer. I wanted to be in control while outwardly saying that I was a submissive wife. When things didn’t work out how I wanted, I would get really down and disappointed. I tried to get my marriage, as well as, my children to achieve high so that I could prove to myself, and others, that I really was a good wife and mother; someone worthy of the affection and validation I so desperately desired.
I wasn’t being accountable. I had become accustomed to running from myself, and my own mess, while simultaneously blaming others for all of my issues. If my mom had done xyz, then I wouldn’t be so insecure. If my dad had been there I would’ve been protected from the pain and hurt I experienced from other men in my life. I didn’t realize that my life was a representation of my thoughts. I was experiencing situations within the margins of what I truly felt I deserved.
I was in many abusive relationship because I identified myself with brokenness. I was vengeful. When others did me wrong, I would plot on ways to return them their pain, only to find that my actions would bring about more pain and strife in my life. I’d often find fault in most of what my husband did. Anything that was contrary to my way of doing things, was like a billboard broadcasting my insecurities.
Help! Protect Me from Myself!
Self sabotage is very real. Procrastination, stubbornness, excuses, and over extending yourself, are all ways that we ambush our own lives. I had to get still with God and have a come to Jesus meeting with myself (as well as my coach). I knew the life that God promised in His word wasn’t what I was living. I was using the bible to cover my hurt and pain, but God heard my cries for help. I had to trust Him and the process that is required for me to live my best life ever. I’d been running from me, masking my pain with smiles and the pursuit achievements, but purpose reeled me in and anchored my soul.
Be honest with yourself about your thoughts and behaviors. What are some of your core beliefs? Have you been hurting yourself and assuming that it’s those around you? Take some time to seek God for clarity. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Are you willing to be vulnerable enough to live a life that amazes you? Invest in protecting yourself.
Adelai Brown is the founder of Be Blessed! Daily, a personal development company, and the author of Anchored! Be Blessed! Daily Volume 1. You can connect with her at www.beblesseddaily.com, and http://bit.ly/heartgroup